im at an impasse. stay. go. quit. change. how did i get here?
you never know how you look to others until they say, "you havent looked yourself for a few weeks now." Shit, and I thought I was putting on a pretty good act. Apparently Ive only been fooling myself.
we start counseling on friday. i care, dont care, hopeful, hopeless.....
see, impasse! the fork in the road.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Who's on first? Who's on second?
Ive been reading alot about emotional infidelity the last few days. One article I read was about some Dr or therapist who claimed to have all the answers on how to overcome a betrayl like this. One suggestion (an absolute in this "experts" opinion) was that everything else has to come second and the marriage has to come first, including the children.
Im having a hard time wrapping myself around this.
My children didnt call me a "nag" to a woman that I dont know. Why should they be second? My children didnt hide conversations that belittled me. Why should I spend more time with a man who did?
In part, it makes sense. If one wants to right the marriage, then all attention needs to be put into doing so. Do I want to do so?
This is the third time he has hidden a "relationship" with someone, a woman, that I know of.
I owe my kids counseling. I need to be able to tell them, "I tried to right this."
Will there be a fourth, fifth, tenth time?
An then there is the, "What did I do to make him turn to another woman?" This is NOT my fault.
I keep coming back to a conversation we had with our pastor as we were going through our premarital meetings. He said to us that he was not in favor of open marriage. He had had a couple that had gotten married, but had relations outside of the marriage and we was very against this. I remember my husband sitting next to me in complete and utter agreement. I recall the conversation my husband and I had about infidelity. What was it? We both whole heartedly agreed that it was anything that you would hide from the other person. Anything you wouldnt want them to find out.
At least one of us was listening.
Im having a hard time wrapping myself around this.
My children didnt call me a "nag" to a woman that I dont know. Why should they be second? My children didnt hide conversations that belittled me. Why should I spend more time with a man who did?
In part, it makes sense. If one wants to right the marriage, then all attention needs to be put into doing so. Do I want to do so?
This is the third time he has hidden a "relationship" with someone, a woman, that I know of.
I owe my kids counseling. I need to be able to tell them, "I tried to right this."
Will there be a fourth, fifth, tenth time?
An then there is the, "What did I do to make him turn to another woman?" This is NOT my fault.
I keep coming back to a conversation we had with our pastor as we were going through our premarital meetings. He said to us that he was not in favor of open marriage. He had had a couple that had gotten married, but had relations outside of the marriage and we was very against this. I remember my husband sitting next to me in complete and utter agreement. I recall the conversation my husband and I had about infidelity. What was it? We both whole heartedly agreed that it was anything that you would hide from the other person. Anything you wouldnt want them to find out.
At least one of us was listening.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
Im not even sure what subject line to give this post. Its been hard to sit and write as of late. I am having a hard time wrapping myself around the dozen or so emotions I have been experiencing this week. Heres why........
In my last blog I vented about my husband, my marriage, some struggles we are having. On Wednesday I discovered why he has been detached from us. He has been engaging in inappropriate conversations with an old schoolmate that involve our marriage, negative feelings towards me, etc.
This is not the first time either.
He says Ive changed. What a copout for engaging in what amounts to emotional infidelity.
Im numb.
How dare he do this to our children....put them in a position of having their parents separated because their father is a fucking asshole.
Im angry.
Im worried.
Why did he get married to me if he was not going to fight the battles with ME.
Obviously we need counseling. HE needs counseling. And so we deal with this. We talk about what he has done. He admitts wrong doing and then I discover he has changed all of his passwords. My anger builds again. Questions of how much do I tolerate, Where is this heading, Am I going to get divorced, have to be away from my children because my husband couldnt find a way to tell ME hes pissed, that something is missing????????????
In my last blog I vented about my husband, my marriage, some struggles we are having. On Wednesday I discovered why he has been detached from us. He has been engaging in inappropriate conversations with an old schoolmate that involve our marriage, negative feelings towards me, etc.
This is not the first time either.
He says Ive changed. What a copout for engaging in what amounts to emotional infidelity.
Im numb.
How dare he do this to our children....put them in a position of having their parents separated because their father is a fucking asshole.
Im angry.
Im worried.
Why did he get married to me if he was not going to fight the battles with ME.
Obviously we need counseling. HE needs counseling. And so we deal with this. We talk about what he has done. He admitts wrong doing and then I discover he has changed all of his passwords. My anger builds again. Questions of how much do I tolerate, Where is this heading, Am I going to get divorced, have to be away from my children because my husband couldnt find a way to tell ME hes pissed, that something is missing????????????
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Hellish Matrimony
Ive realized lately, more and more, that I dont really like my husband.
Ive mentioned that we met, had kids, and got married all sort of in a rush. We didnt really know much about each other accept for all of the good stuff you discover when first dating someone. All of the shit that follows, the stuff that makes you realize that the realtionship may not really work, therefore a breakup is emminent, has made me question why I was in such a rush in the first place.
I was 30, feeling alone, really wanting marriage and family. He wanted all of the above as well. Fast forward 5 years.....I hate him for where we are at.
The list of why Im not liking him very much lately is long, but mostly because hes become a miserable fucking asshole. He works out of town for 4-5 days and can come home ready to jump right back into family life or he can come home like he did this past week and I want to kill him. Headache, backache, tired, wha wha wha. He yells at the kids. He yells at me. GO BACK TO FUCKING WORK is what I want to tell him.
We started counseling last summer but didnt follow through. Its hard to keep up when his schedule is ever changing, oh, and when he lies to the therapist or at least only gives her half truths. Nother story, nother time.
I never wanted to get married and divorced. It isnt an option for either of us. I think we are both committed to finding some way to come out of the hole we are in, but it is a struggle.
I came across the journals I kept as a teen and 20 something last week while I was doing the bi/trimonthly purge of the closets. I kept a journal forever. It was my therapy as a teen and young adult. Why I stopped is a no brainer. Who the hell has time to write every last detail about poopy diapers, endless mounds of laundry and even higher mounds of dishes. That was therapy then, perhaps this is therapy now.
Ive mentioned that we met, had kids, and got married all sort of in a rush. We didnt really know much about each other accept for all of the good stuff you discover when first dating someone. All of the shit that follows, the stuff that makes you realize that the realtionship may not really work, therefore a breakup is emminent, has made me question why I was in such a rush in the first place.
I was 30, feeling alone, really wanting marriage and family. He wanted all of the above as well. Fast forward 5 years.....I hate him for where we are at.
The list of why Im not liking him very much lately is long, but mostly because hes become a miserable fucking asshole. He works out of town for 4-5 days and can come home ready to jump right back into family life or he can come home like he did this past week and I want to kill him. Headache, backache, tired, wha wha wha. He yells at the kids. He yells at me. GO BACK TO FUCKING WORK is what I want to tell him.
We started counseling last summer but didnt follow through. Its hard to keep up when his schedule is ever changing, oh, and when he lies to the therapist or at least only gives her half truths. Nother story, nother time.
I never wanted to get married and divorced. It isnt an option for either of us. I think we are both committed to finding some way to come out of the hole we are in, but it is a struggle.
I came across the journals I kept as a teen and 20 something last week while I was doing the bi/trimonthly purge of the closets. I kept a journal forever. It was my therapy as a teen and young adult. Why I stopped is a no brainer. Who the hell has time to write every last detail about poopy diapers, endless mounds of laundry and even higher mounds of dishes. That was therapy then, perhaps this is therapy now.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
shitty wednesday
I wrote in a previous post about my daughter's bruising. She has been diagnosed with ITP. Its kind of a long explanation of what it is, what caused it and what the prognosis is. But her body is attacking her platlets which are the blood clotting agent in your blood. Normal levels are between 150 and 400 thousand. At diagnosis hers were at 11000. Dangerously low. Since November she has had to have her levels tested every week. Think about how much you love needles and having blood drawn. She has had to do this probably about 20 times in the last 2 months. She has been a trooper. "Mom, I was sooooo brave!" She is my little hero in all of this. The staff at childrens hospital in Buffalo are great with her and make it as enjoyable of an experience as possible.
Since diagnosis, her levels have gone up and down. Today they were down. Way down unfortunately. This may mean nothing, but its discouraging since they had been so high just a month ago, 267000. So, I keep praying that the condition WILL correct itself and this wont be something she has to live with for the rest of her life. Only time will tell.
Im inclined to complain about the rest of my day. About my husband who came home from work after 4 days in a shitty mood. About my son who was whiney....but hes sick. Ill let him slide today. About the shit load of laundry I folded when I got home...blah blah blah. But, a close aquaintance lost her baby today, 4 mnths pregnant. Im sure her Wednesday sucked alot worse than mine.
Since diagnosis, her levels have gone up and down. Today they were down. Way down unfortunately. This may mean nothing, but its discouraging since they had been so high just a month ago, 267000. So, I keep praying that the condition WILL correct itself and this wont be something she has to live with for the rest of her life. Only time will tell.
Im inclined to complain about the rest of my day. About my husband who came home from work after 4 days in a shitty mood. About my son who was whiney....but hes sick. Ill let him slide today. About the shit load of laundry I folded when I got home...blah blah blah. But, a close aquaintance lost her baby today, 4 mnths pregnant. Im sure her Wednesday sucked alot worse than mine.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Time to Backstep
I was dating this guy at 30, a computer geek who was horrible in bed but we had great times camping, fishing, hiking, etc. That Christmas we came to one final blow. I was sick of him fighting like an 8 year old. He was sick of me telling him he was acting like an eight year old. Have a nice life.
I joined match.com. Ick, I hate to admitt that, but I did. I met the man who would very quickly become my husband. We had a great first date and then I backed away. I had been "seeing" this guy from work. By seeing of course I mean seeing naked. I had to waver whether I wanted to get on with getting married and having kids or keeping having fantastic sex with my coworker. I chose the former.
We met in May. At the end of July I was pregnant. We got married the following August. By Thanksgiving I was pregnant with number 2.
The family I always wanted right? Wellllll, its almost 5 years later and life had thrown alot of punches since that first date. Marriage is not easy. DUH! Being a mom is even harder. DOUBLE DUH!! And Ive struggled with no longer having my life to myself.
Whine Whine Whine right? And then this accident happened to this family and the guilt poured over me. I have not been a model mom. I adore, love, cherish my kids, but I long for time alone, away from everyone and everything. And what if tomorrow they're gone? How would I ever come to grips with that?
So, here I am, reeling and while I think partly why this accident has affected me so deeply is to get me to realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed, I still feel it goes deeper.
I joined match.com. Ick, I hate to admitt that, but I did. I met the man who would very quickly become my husband. We had a great first date and then I backed away. I had been "seeing" this guy from work. By seeing of course I mean seeing naked. I had to waver whether I wanted to get on with getting married and having kids or keeping having fantastic sex with my coworker. I chose the former.
We met in May. At the end of July I was pregnant. We got married the following August. By Thanksgiving I was pregnant with number 2.
The family I always wanted right? Wellllll, its almost 5 years later and life had thrown alot of punches since that first date. Marriage is not easy. DUH! Being a mom is even harder. DOUBLE DUH!! And Ive struggled with no longer having my life to myself.
Whine Whine Whine right? And then this accident happened to this family and the guilt poured over me. I have not been a model mom. I adore, love, cherish my kids, but I long for time alone, away from everyone and everything. And what if tomorrow they're gone? How would I ever come to grips with that?
So, here I am, reeling and while I think partly why this accident has affected me so deeply is to get me to realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed, I still feel it goes deeper.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
reasons
cathartic or crazy? No matter. Here I am. How Ive found my way here is complicated. At least is seems so as I have not been able to make sense of any of the connections that are the reason Ive decided to begin blogging.
Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in life.
Last April there was an accicent on the I90 in NYS. A father went off the road and subsequently his two children were killed in the accident. The story was reported locally and I came to find out that several HS friends were related to the family. In honor of the 2 children a playground memorial was started. I received several requests via facebook to be contribute to the memorial. The story bothered me from the beginning. From the father who woke to find his children had been killed to the mother who received his phone call that he was lying in a ditch and the children were dead. How does one return to life after that?
Calamity can be defined as an event the results in serious loss or dire distress resulting from loss or tragedy. Can something constructive come out of the loss of your children?
2 months ago my daughter began bruising easily. I began finding large deep bruises on her suddenly. After going back and forth in my mind about how they may have occurred I made an appt for her to see her pediatrician. 3 days passed and she developed deeper bruises that we worse that the previous ones and on the morning she was to see her Dr. she developed petichia on several areas of her body. He sent us for blood tests.....the most nerve racking 3 hours passed....and we were informed that her platelet levels we at 11000. We were going to the ER where Dr Ambrusko would be waiting for her. Steven Ambrusko, father to Kate and Peter Ambrusko who tragically died when his car went off of the interstate.
Everything happens for a reason. It may take years to discover what that reason is. Im hoping through this blog to begin to understand why THIS Dr at THIS time is here to help my daughter.
Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in life.
Last April there was an accicent on the I90 in NYS. A father went off the road and subsequently his two children were killed in the accident. The story was reported locally and I came to find out that several HS friends were related to the family. In honor of the 2 children a playground memorial was started. I received several requests via facebook to be contribute to the memorial. The story bothered me from the beginning. From the father who woke to find his children had been killed to the mother who received his phone call that he was lying in a ditch and the children were dead. How does one return to life after that?
Calamity can be defined as an event the results in serious loss or dire distress resulting from loss or tragedy. Can something constructive come out of the loss of your children?
2 months ago my daughter began bruising easily. I began finding large deep bruises on her suddenly. After going back and forth in my mind about how they may have occurred I made an appt for her to see her pediatrician. 3 days passed and she developed deeper bruises that we worse that the previous ones and on the morning she was to see her Dr. she developed petichia on several areas of her body. He sent us for blood tests.....the most nerve racking 3 hours passed....and we were informed that her platelet levels we at 11000. We were going to the ER where Dr Ambrusko would be waiting for her. Steven Ambrusko, father to Kate and Peter Ambrusko who tragically died when his car went off of the interstate.
Everything happens for a reason. It may take years to discover what that reason is. Im hoping through this blog to begin to understand why THIS Dr at THIS time is here to help my daughter.
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